Lapher’s Blog

A fight for maturity

I have been living my life without knowing what is right or what is wrong. Life to me is like a game without having a chance to continue. Never liked that feeling but then I guess its just childish thinking I guess. I just wonder how people handle certain situation in life. Even though that I know how it is done by other people, I still screw up. Always asked myself why I screw up and all I can think of is that, I can’t control my feelings. Most of the time, I live my life by thinking of silly and damaging thoughts that truly did not happen. It’s like a devil telling me all the negative stuff. I ask myself why I must think of all these insane thoughts where all I need to do is not care of what other people is thinking. It sickens me by just writing this down and reading it myself for what I am capable of thinking. I need to grow up.

I guess now I know why I have lost relationships in the past. A grown man with childish thoughts and unstable emotional behavior. I can say that my work is fine, occasional hiccups but I guess that’s the learning curve. Family and friend seem to be fine; they are very helpful in many ways. I guess it narrowing down to one thing and it has always been that reason. “I hate myself for loving you” is a song which I heard the other day and it seems to be related to what I am feeling now. Why can’t a person live without the opposite sex? Monks can do it and why is it so hard for someone like me to do so at this time?

The problem with me is that, I think of things that complicated simple matters. Small gestures from someone can be devastating in my mind. Why is that so? Is it the way that I was raised? Or am I just not mature enough to handle these situations? I am feeling tired of thinking of someone that doesn’t give a rats ass about me. But then I still torment myself day and night, speculating gestures that simply mean nothing!

There are more things in life to think about like how to get more money, how to love your parents more, where to chill with your friends but I have chosen one absurd thing, relationship.

By writing this out I now see the stupidly in all this. It’s basically a waste of time. Life is just too short for all these nonsense.